Where Did I Go?
By Marla
Have you had many days where you felt like you Shattering? Here is one reader's advice a journey to a new self.
The events that happened in my life occured about six years ago now; and, yes, there are points in time where I have stood and said where did they go to.
The time I mean.
I believe it is what I would call a coping skill.
It seems to me that we deal with too much, and take on too much, and then we shut down.
It is when we shut down that this frozen time seems to happen.
At least for me that is how it is.
As for the feeling of disintegrating like breaking glass, yes it seemed that way for me for a long time as well.>/p>
Actually, it still seems that way a lot.
I called it "Shattering." I referred to it many times as the glass shattering in a mirror and seeing all these minute pieces of myself in the reflections on the floor and not knowing how to put myself back together again.
Sometimes I wish I could just step through the looking glass of another mirror and see me again.
But the one I knew as me was shattered with the events I endured and I guess I look at it as the only way to get a glimpse of the person I used to be.
The "ME" that I knew as myself, well, I miss her often and there is a lot of anger still at what was taken from me. Call it sense of self or self belief but I lost me.
I have learned that you can't go back and change anything; you must always move forward to get out of it.
Some days it is two steps forward, three back and one forward again.
Some days I crash and burn from just the exhaustion of daily life.
Some days I can't clean the kitchen or take out the trash because it is just too much.
For along time after the events it took me a lot of energy to just function at even a normal basis. It has been six years now and I used to get mad because I couldn't just take a pill or sleep it away and wake up after it was gone like one does with the flu.
And some days I push the edges of the envelope so to speak.
I force myself to change something, or do something differently just to say that I did it and it was OK. With every day I find a new shard from the mirror and try to place it back in place in my life to find me. But I'm not sure that I will ever find the me I once knew and maybe what I am supposed to do is change.
Although people around me seem to be changing, I believe it is me who has changed. And it is their reaction to my change that is effecting my outcome as well.
Having a support structure in place for when you crash and burn is of major importance. Having a safe place is another major important issue as well.
When I look back and see what kind of support structure I had back then I say to my self, God I wonder why it didn't happen sooner than it did.
I hope this helps; if you have any questions don't hesitate to write to my e-mail address. My bookcase looks like a shrink's office and it helps me to talk about it as well with others who have been through or are dealing with the PTSD now as well.
Hugs,
Marla
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